Friday, January 8, 2010

Oh the stress!!

So before I go into the boring me complaining here are pictures of my son, he cracks me up sooo much!This was him showing off his standing skills, holding on to the couch, and look how TALL he is! I don't know what happened to my baby!Him doing his doggy impression, it took me forever to catch this on camera because when he sees the camera now he poses and smiles like a ham, note the following picture...
TOOOO CUTE! He has been testing my not so great patience, yes I know something that cute could not ever be bad but he has decided this past week he CAN NOT be left alone, ever, period. And if you dare try be prepared to hear the most heart-wrenching screams, and upon re-entering the room there will be a red-faced tear stained sad little boy. I asked the other women who have had children in my life "WHY, and when does this stage end????!!??" It's a normal stage and it usually takes a month according to my sister who has raised three children and has one (RJ) going through this stage again, so let's just hope I make it through with what's left of my sanity. My mother's truthful answer made me laugh (and cry inside), "The stage ends when they find another more annoying stage to move on to." I laughed because I know it's true and cried because I do that a lot lately, which brings me to this fun part of my life.
As many of you know I have been struggling with my health. I was sick of being sick and having every doctor say something was off they just couldn't figure out why and what. I, being fed up, made an executive decision...get off the anti-anxiety med Effexor XR, which 'could' be the problem according to one of the many docs I was seeing. I have been on an anti-anxiety since I was 10, yes, very young but I needed it. When you are in the fifth grade and trying to figure out suicide it was a life-saver. I rarely missed a dose these 11 years because I was on Paxil, which just like Effexor has some pretty serious withdrawal symptoms. After getting married I switched to Effexor because it is safer for pregnancy since we were planning on eventually having kids, which we did obviously. Switching over was TOUGH, I think I understand heroin addicts trying to quit. The physical and mental pain is only understandable if you have been there, and its similar to a 'party' drug in that you know what would make you feel's right there in the bottle on your nightstand...just take a pill and feel better within an hour. Quitting without having anything else to dampen the withdrawals was HELL. The sweating, spinning vision, vomiting and what we have come to call the "zappies" (remember when your older sister told you to stick your tongue on the D battery, its that but more intense in your brain and throughout your entire body)are only part of the difficulty. My emotions have been very unstable, and I hate it. I cry at the drop of a hat, yell way more than I have ever, feel like a stranger in my own body and mind and actually have wanted to throw things. Then after one of those things happen I'm ANGRY, why can't I just control myself, why am I miserable, my life is great- a wonderful (very patient) husband and a healthy happy baby (most of the time:)) what more could I ask for? The normal me knows it's because I have been on these meds forever and I have family history of depression and high anxiety so I know it's normal but that doesn't make it stop. Poor Larin has been yelled at and cried to more in this last month than our entire marriage and I hate putting him through this, it's not his fault! After all I was only slightly insane when we first met, he didn't have any clue this crazy lady lived in me! I just decided to let everyone in so you understand a little bit more of why I don't seem the same when we hang out. When I'm not at home my only defense is to not really feel so not to let my feelings out of control, so I'm a little monotone and not as spastic as usual, don't worry, it'll come back. I am working with a (eek) shrink and learning better 'coping techniques' it is just going to take some time.
So onto the whole weight loss thing, yeah, Christmas came with the pies and big family dinners and candy and all that deliciousness I'm back up to 150 but my measurements are still the same? yeah I don't understand either, maybe water weight or something. So my resolution is to EXERCISE. Back in my hayday I could run a six minute(or less) mile and enjoyed it. That was waaaayyyy long ago. I figure my eating habits aren't horrid, I eat fruits and veggies regularly and only indulge when I am with family and friends...darn you! I can't just jump back into it but I am committed to doing this because it can also help with the whole going crazy thing so this is more for my health then looks. Who needs skinny when you've got a face like this and curves like these?? I'll just keep telling myself this!
Better than before not what I want but hey, I just had a baby!! Ok, that was 9 months ago but a friend of mine told me I can use that excuse, I have permission, so there.


Anonymous said...

That battery thing is a great way to describe it!

JHarris said...

It's nice to know others felt what I felt because when it happens you feel like you must be going insane!!